I think my vagina is haunted
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
