i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
