forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
