Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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