I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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