I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
why do cheetos always look like penises
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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