We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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