Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
