420 ftw
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
A+ Viking dick
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
