please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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