My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
handjob tips. give me some.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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