Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
