Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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