Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
