i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
