so explain again why im purple
no
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
