They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
do nipples grow back?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
