Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
