I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
