it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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