I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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