he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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