you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
