By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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