Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
