Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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