I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
We had to coat check the pizza.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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