i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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