You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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