last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
