first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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