I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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