I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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