so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I love having hate sex.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
