So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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