Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
