and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
