Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
