Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
