You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
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ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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