Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize