If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
