There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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