Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
