tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
