it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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