My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
