Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
After tacos, we're chasing women.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
