That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
