He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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