You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i believe in u and ur pee
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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