But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Alive.
So much puke
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
