he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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