I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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